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January 24, 2008

So tonight, in between stripping naked and getting into the tub, there was some jumping and general little boy rambunctiousness. I could hear them upstairs, and the thing is, I only needed one more minute for the task I was trying to finish. One more minute, and then I would be up the steps to supervise the bathing. One precious bloody minute.

It's those one-more-minutes that kill you as a parent.

Have you ever seen a bruised penis? I'd never actually seen one before tonight. It's not pretty, let me tell you. Whatever you're imagining, Isaac will tell you that his is worse. Somehow the boy managed to injure his penis, his face, both butt cheeks, and his big toe. In one fall. There were no steps involved. No baseball bats or blocks of concrete. Just a bed, and a push from his brother, and BAM: we're in a home triage situation. One boo-boo bunny to the face. Calendula ointment on the butt cheeks. Arnica cream all over the place. A package of frozen peas on the pee-pee.

I never thought I would have to hold a package of frozen peas on my son's penis. They don't tell you this may be a possibility in parenting class. It's all breathing and learning to count to ten and not freaking out when they get a diaper rash. But penis bruises? Nowhere in the manual.

I have to confess, it shook me up a little. I'm going to have a drink now. Maybe two.

Posted by Woodlief on January 24, 2008 at 09:07 PM


just reading that shook me up! i'm joining you for a drink. okay, two. sheesh...

Posted by: C. Brace at January 24, 2008 9:29 PM

What an inopportune place - poor baby - it's something that will live in the land of family folk-lore forever - so hopefully the thought of it won't torment you when you continue to hear it for the next 40 years. A wet washcloth around the package of peas will transfer the cold better than just the bag of peas - I learned that from someone more learned than I in the way of treating injuries. He may still need it tomorrow.

Posted by: Michaele at January 24, 2008 9:40 PM

While I have not seen a bruised peepee, I have seen one with a tattoo. Surgery is not just about blood and guts. Sometimes life working in an operating room exposes one to more than just blood. It can be quite shocking. The consensus was that the tattoo must have hurt.

Posted by: Jen Johnson at January 24, 2008 10:12 PM

We're finding out there are a *lot* of things they didn't tell us in that class. I'm also not finding many of these things in the owner's manual...

Thanks for another great post, Tony. :)
(In case anyone cares, here's our now-four-month-old when all we needed to know about was "breathing and counting to ten":

Posted by: Paul A at January 25, 2008 7:29 AM

No, they do not prepare you for that. So sorry for little Isaac.

However, I must admit, if it had to happen, I am relieved to hear it didn't happen on the trampoline.

Posted by: Granny at January 25, 2008 7:43 AM

Thanks (I think) for the tutorial. I must have missed that parenting class as well.

Having said that, I don't think you'll see the Frozen Pea company advertising your off label use of their product.

Posted by: Cordeiro at January 25, 2008 8:24 AM

I understand exactly where you are coming from. When my son was 2, he was learning to use the toilet from a standing position and his penis was just barely over the bowl height. One evening, the toilet seat brought tragedy to our quiet home as it fell at exactly the most inopportune moment possible.

I too had never seen a bruised penis and his was black from tip to pubic bone (trying to find a good descriptor for the other end). Just the sight was so traumatizing to me, that I had to bow out and let my Queen take care of the situation.

It is indeed a picture I will never forget.

Posted by: King of Fools at January 25, 2008 8:28 AM

You know that one day this whole event is going to be very embarrassing to Master Isaac when his new girl friend googles his name only to find this post...
Of course she will find all the other things you've written about him as well.
Take care my friend and my best wishes to the injured warrior!

Posted by: Gray at January 25, 2008 8:31 AM

Gabe gave himself a black eye with his own knee recently. The list of things I didn't know I should be worried about grows every day.

Posted by: amy at January 25, 2008 9:24 AM

OW! No more need be said.

Posted by: Scott at January 25, 2008 10:00 AM

Like King of Fools, I also had a potty-training son whose pee-pee encountered a falling toilet seat. Yeee-ouch!! This would have been more than 20 years ago, and I honestly can't remember now which son it happened to. But that's one way to set back potty training by a spell.....

Sorry for your trauma!

Posted by: Katy McKenna at January 25, 2008 12:51 PM

Poor boy! Right now my little one has a black eye, but even that doesn't sound so bad now.

Posted by: Jordana at January 25, 2008 3:27 PM

Wow! For twenty three years I've thought my son was the only one to suffer such trauma trying to stand at the toilet at too young an age. He actually had to have three stitches, of which he was very proud. He's twenty five now and I'm assuming the penis works just fine.

Posted by: MLP at January 25, 2008 7:12 PM

As one who once blackened her own eye with a knee, your son has my deepest sympathy, Amy, but I'm glad to learn that someone else has done it too. I have to admit that I was in high school when it happened. And I am still mortified.

Posted by: Tess at January 26, 2008 8:00 AM

Poor Baby, I am so sorry I hope he is feeling better soon and all healed up, scrapes, bruises and feelings. You must have forgotten about Phillip getting his pee-pee caught in his zipper.
You all wanted to help but it was hard for you to do, Bent over with laughter and all.. Love you

Posted by: deborah anderson at January 26, 2008 9:06 PM

They bruise?

Just when this mama of three sons thought she knew all there was to know about the male anatomy.



Posted by: Stefani at January 27, 2008 3:24 PM

Tell Isaac that there is hope. My pee pee injury was going on 30 years ago now, no problems now.

Poor kid. Maybe a little extra icecream for dessert at the dinner table is in order. (to eat that is)

Posted by: Carl Holmes at January 28, 2008 9:26 AM

My #3 monkey had a toilet seat accident. It was six years ago, and I am so glad he doesn't remember it. No, it is not in the manual.

Posted by: Deb at January 28, 2008 12:16 PM

Oh, poor little one. My eldest boy once zipped his up in his feetie jammies. Ouch! That was awful.
As I often remark to my husband, in reference to him and our three sons, in the immortal words of Elaine Bennis of Seinfeld fame, "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

Posted by: Kit at January 28, 2008 4:06 PM

OK, I know it's not funny. In fact, I know it was traumatic. And I really am sorry your son hurt himself.

But the things boys do... sometimes you just gotta laugh... after a drink or two or sometimes maybe a year or two goes by.

Posted by: Rob Merola+ at January 31, 2008 4:30 PM

Okay, after giggling and enjoying how you tell the story, I do have to say that sometimes, I'm glad I'm not a parent! Poor Isaac!

Posted by: Kelli at February 6, 2008 7:08 PM

Tony, I was a regular reader w-a-y back in the day... Somehow I dropped off the mailing list and tonight I just happened to stumble across your blog

-Seems like it was around 02 or 03, you had only just started the mailing list.

Your writing is just "11" man... I'll be back for more!

Ugh, but what a blog post to land on after all this time, -you with the Bird's Eye Peas! :-)
Good to see you back on the radar pal!

Jay in Maine

Posted by: Jay at March 5, 2008 12:10 AM

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