I've always wanted to be a hero. Problem is, this frequently involves shedding one's own blood, which, just between you and me, gives me the heebie-jeebies. But now my problems are solved, thanks to this business, which offers to make my very own Tony Woodlief Action Figure.

That's right, now I can leap tall milk cartons in a single bound, without the danger of pulling a hammy. What's more, you too can order the Tony Woodlief Action Figure (it would look great on your computer monitor, don't you think?). Use me to clear off that big spider web in the corner of your basement, or to give Ken the butt whipping he's been deserving ever since he let Barbie get that tattoo. You can even keep me in your bed at night, so long as you don't let the Tony Woodlief's Wife Action Figure find out. Don't miss out on the feel-good meme of the summer. Order your Tony Woodlief Action Figure today!

(Not sold in stores. Tony Woodlief Action Figure, Tony Woodlief Action Figure with Kung-fu Grip, and TonyWoodlief.com are trademarks owned by Tony Woodlief Enterprises, a subsidiary of Tony Woodlief Inc. Dressing the Tony Woodlief Action Figure in Barbie clothes is expressly prohibited by the conditions of sale. Contents under pressure. Lots of pressure. Do not submerge the Tony Woodlief Action Figure in water. Do not freeze Tony Woodlief. Do not place Tony Woodlief in the microwave. Do not taunt Tony Woodlief. Keep Tony Woodlief away from sharp objects. May be harmful if ingested. Thin Elvis and Fat Elvis outfits sold separately.)