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January 11, 2008

A couple of nights ago I shot a cat. Lest you animal fetishists send me nasty email, or the anti-feline masochists among you send me packages of veal, I'll note that I didn't use my 9mm, but rather my Daisy Red Ryder underlever cocking BB gun, from ten yards out. You see, I thought he was picking on my cat. You might recall that we have a cat. The Wife would likely assert, were she reading this over my shoulder (which is, incidentally, not an advisable way to blog), that it is my cat.

It used to be that fat neighborhood cats would slink into our garage, beat up our kitten, and eat his food. He's grown a bit, however, and he still has his claws. Recently I found cat fur all over the garage, and assumed he'd beaten up one of those neighbor cats. The worm has turned, I thought. How now, brown cow? And other such exultant internal monologue. But the other night, I heard this curious keening from the garage.

Some of you are chuckling right now. I need you to understand that I never owned a cat as a child. If you read the earlier post about this animal, you will also notice that I used to think he was a she. I sometimes have this problem with humans as well, especially on college campuses. The point is, I am naive when it comes to the ways of the cat. Or I used to be.

So I grabbed my shooting iron, and went out to the garage. The noise was on the other side of the garage door. I opened it, and there in the driveway stood my cat, who is black, facing down another black cat. The problem was that in the lamplight I couldn't tell which cat was mine. I got a bead on one, and waited. They waited too. Then it occurred to me that if I moved toward them, my cat would stay, while the intruding cat would bolt. I took a step forward, my sights trained on what I thought was the intruding cat. She bolted. I shot her in the rump. She snarled and disappeared into some bushes.

At this point, I expected some gratitude from my cat. Instead, he looked at me as if to say, you idiot, and disappeared into the bushes after the first cat.

This was no food-dish raid. It was a booty call. Incidentally, I've since learned that cats like the rough stuff. This would explain that fur all over my garage, as well as my cat's new swagger. He's turned my garage into his playboy lounge. My cat is a player.

I understand at this point that several of you are already typing officious comments about how I need to get him neutered. But I'm hoping we can take him, naughty parts and all, with us when we move to the country at some future date, where he will sire a long line of mouse- and snake-hunting cats. So until then, the neighborhood ladies had best guard themselves.

This may be a moot point, now that I've gone and shot one of his girlfriends in the rump. I have to confess, it ran through my mind that this might not be a bad strategy toward young human ladies of questionable repute who come sniffing around my boys in the coming years. I understand that it is of dubious legality, but it certainly leaves an impression. I'm sure my sons would give me that same you idiot look, but they'd likely thank me for it later, don't you think?

Posted by Woodlief on January 11, 2008 at 01:45 PM


Of course, having posted this years in advance, you lose all plausible deniability. The rest of us, though...

Posted by: Deoxy at January 11, 2008 2:00 PM

The funniest part of this story is the fact that you grabbed a BB gun before you went out to investigate the strange noises coming from the garage. Had you planned this in advance or was it a spur-of-the-moment decision? Was the BB gun within reach when you first heard the noises, or did you have to go elsewhere to retrieve it before you headed outside?

:) This is mighty funny.

Posted by: Renee at January 11, 2008 2:44 PM

First of all what is the URL box for? Call me ignorant, but if I need to fill it out, what information is desired?
To the point, my wife and I have caught the girls at church, yes at church, eying our soon to be 15-year old son. I certainly understand your sentiments. Course I look at him from across a large room and understand the girls. Did this soon to be a young man come from me?

Posted by: Carl at January 11, 2008 3:03 PM

Perhaps your childhood and teenage years were entirely different than mine, but having girls sniffing around my house was never a problem. Boys being what boys are, even good ones, I suspect your best bet is to hope the girl's fathers only have Red Ryder BB guns as well.

Posted by: Ron Miller at January 11, 2008 3:07 PM

On a different tangent ... keep your male kitty "all there." Your plans for him and his progeny in the countryside are excellent IF you allow him free entrance and exit from your house, so that the countryside is just as much home as your hearth.

Because ...

Such cats are great mousers. True, they will bring their kill indoors, to show off, but still...

They will supress the snake population within their ranging territory. If you have a couple of cats that roam outdoors, you will have NO snakes within their range.

Why? Because cats and snakes compete for the same varmints, and cats out compete snakes by a mile. So, the snakes move on to catless territories. No more snakey acres.

Posted by: Fr. Bill at January 11, 2008 4:03 PM

This is the funniest I have read from you. There are several good points made by others. Yes, it may be you should pray your boys look at girls whose father's do not own guns.
About the move to the country. Don't worry about leaving that cat intact. Take care of your now problem. You will find that when you move to the country the cats will find your barn/garage/storage shed and those infamous people who drop animals off near other people's homes will give you an ample supply of mousers.

Posted by: Ruth H at January 11, 2008 4:50 PM

Yes, I'm absolutely certain your sons will thank you for that later.

Posted by: Doug Kirkpatrick at January 11, 2008 4:53 PM

Good for you for leaving the cat intact, but beware of letting him in the house. Un-neutered males spray to mark territory. It's not a good thing.

Posted by: Amy at January 11, 2008 6:07 PM

ohh man... I am laughing so hard I peed a little... yup. I admit it.

Ohh man, thanks for the ideas. I have a 6 year old boy who already is a player... I cant wait until he is 18!

Posted by: Carl Holmes at January 11, 2008 7:18 PM

You might be my new hero.

Posted by: Jack Ensor at January 11, 2008 10:05 PM

Okay, see I want a BB gun. Gray had one when we were kids, I'm sure my dad has it in the basement somewhere. I have the same story you have Tony...exact, except my tomcat would never have orgies in our garage!!!
And Smokie, our cat, has cost us over $200 in vet bills b/c his injuries got infected and needed to be drained ~ yada, yada, yada.
I have never even really allowed our 3 boys to have guns...DAD is way into basketball to take the time with the gun thing...but now I want a bb gun!
ps...are you watching the GAME today, maybe by some chance the Pack is no longer a kitten and can really take on the Heels. Proably not!

Posted by: angela at January 12, 2008 7:33 AM

Every boy needs a BB gun. It teaches kids how to be safe and how dangerous machines and guns can be. I shot my big brother once with the BB gun. I learned how much it stung and avoided getting shot myself. So, I learned a lot from having the gun.

Posted by: Gary at January 13, 2008 9:01 AM

A friend of mine once had a cat like yours. He called it his "ball bearing mousetrap"

Posted by: kipp at January 14, 2008 7:54 AM

'Fixing' your cat should have no effect on his mousing skills. All cats in my history were fixed. Some made kills nightly, some every leap year or so.

Posted by: David Andersen at January 16, 2008 1:45 AM

All that cat virility may be charming to you now, but the charm wears off when he starts spraying his territory all over your property, beginning at the front door. You will also get the heart churning experience of explaining to your kids why he wandered off and got killed looking for love. He's all boy now - fix him. He'll keep hunting just fine and he will remain a fighter should any other critter try to invade your home, but if you are lucky, he'll give up the spraying and the mating.

Posted by: Sweetbriar at January 22, 2008 4:35 AM

Haha i found this amusing and agree bout the girls who come seeking out my boys. As a mother of 6 boys i now know how their dads mum must of felt, like a mother protecting her cubs i dislike the standards i see in young women of today.

Posted by: jo at January 24, 2008 6:47 PM

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