Dear Paper Magic Group, an affiliate of CSS Industries, Inc.:

I would like to introduce you to the Swiss Miss Corporation. The Swiss have something you should definitely look into for your line of attractive Christmas cards, 80 of which I had the misfortune of recently purchasing. This something, as you will note from a previous post here, is called a-d-h-e-s-i-v-e.

As in, the stuff that's supposed to be catalyzed by my saliva. The saliva from my tongue, which I ran repeatedly along the backs of your envelopes until I sustained a wicked paper cut.

Said paper cut being, in case I have not been clear, on my tongue.

My freaking tongue, Paper Magic Group. Have you ever sliced this most delicate of instruments? Therein lies a pain that even I, a master of words, cannot describe on this family-oriented site. Were I a cursing man, which I am during the holidays and other festive family occasions, I would now use the word I screeched upon sustaining this injury, a word which can be found liberally sprinkled in place of a logical plot throughout any Quentin Tarantino movie.

Not that you would have understood me, because a cleaved tongue does not produce the sounds one intends. My wife thought I was referring to a character in "Robin Hood."

(pause for the stragglers)

In the Swiss Miss Corporation you can find, Paper Magic Group, an admirable example of the cutting edge in sealing technology. I'm quite sure they would be open to selling you some glue so that your future customers do not have to resort, as I did, to tape in order to seal their holiday card envelopes.

And to all of you who will be receiving a card from me, please keep in mind that you can re-use that duct tape, it is a high quality brand. Just stick it to your existing roll.

As for those of you who do not receive a Christmas card from me, please see the post below regarding my new friend Amanda Frazier, who will be receiving a card.

And now I'm off to the ER to get my tongue stapled.