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October 29, 2005
Spider Redux

Capitalist that I am, I have advertisements at the very bottom of this blog. If about a million of you click them, I think I get a dollar. A web device reads my posts and then chooses ads based on words I write up here, on the premise that my readers will be interested in buying products related to what I write about. Thanks to last Monday's entry, I have two ads from outfits seeking to protect us from the dreaded brown recluse.

To make matters worse, this man's wife stayed with us last night and recounted the time he was almost done in by one of those creepy little beasts.

Nightmares. Sensation of things crawling under my clothes. Excessive jumpiness. You give me something to worry about, and I will jump on it like a hobo on a ham sandwich.

But for once the worry was a good down payment, because tonight I found a brown recluse in the kids' bathtub. I got the magnifying glass and checked. Freaky eye pattern, violin on the back -- a brown recluse is basically a dangerous little bohemian arachnid -- yep, an eight-legged assassin was waiting for my children.

So I crushed half his legs, made him swim in a cup of water for an hour, and then put him down the disposal. As a warning to the others. And before you PETA sociopaths start sending me hate mail, be assured that I would have done exactly the same thing had I caught a human being in their bathtub.

We are now on high alert. Defcon four. Glue strips all over the house. Tomorrow we teach the kids the shake-before-you-put-on-your-shoes technique. And goodbye bed skirts. This last mitigation is only a sacrifice for one member of the family who shall remain nameless, though I'll note that she's the one who can't pee on a fence.

Speaking of the wife, I told her we may need to just go without clothes and blankets completely, since the little beasts like to hide in those places.

No dice.

It's just as well. I've read that those little six-eyed freaky freaks can see in the dark.

So now it's spider hunting time. These night-crawlers have no idea who they're dealing with. I only need two hours of sleep a night, I'm a deadly aim with a newspaper, and I'm dangerously vindictive. No more Mister Ambivalent Regarding Arachnids. This time, it's personal.

Posted by Woodlief on October 29, 2005 at 10:28 PM


May the force be with you!

Posted by: Pearl at October 29, 2005 11:20 PM

I think all of us should make a pact. Each day we go to the sites we really like and click on all the links just to support each other! Google would have their hands full then!

Soon you'll become known as "that famous spoder killer in Kansas!" Bravest man alive! ;-)

Posted by: cooper at October 30, 2005 9:16 AM

(joins in the spider hunting, newspaper at the ready, Raid trigger on hair sensitivity)

Happy Halloween. :) Hmmm, wonder what the perfect costume for YOU might be....

Ah! I have it! Sp--ACK! (chokes as the marvel comics lawyers dogpile on my screen)

Posted by: MMM at October 30, 2005 4:55 PM

Hey! I enjoy your blog! Keep writing! One... small thing? Spiders have eight eyes. Yeah, all the better to see you in the dark and attack you with, my dear. Hey! I found this link... maybe it's of use, maybe not.


Posted by: Chris at October 30, 2005 6:16 PM

Thanks Chris. Most spiders do have eight eyes, but the brown recluse has six, arranged in three dyads. That's one of its distinguishing features.

See: http://dermatology.cdlib.org/DOJvol5num2/special/recluse.html

Posted by: Tony at October 30, 2005 9:05 PM

I just kill every brown spider I see, even though brown recluses aren't indigenous to NC, and even though I KNOW the ones I'm killing aren't really brown recluses. It's brown, it's a spider, it's indoors...that's enough for me.

We do, however, have black widow spiders all around our house--we find them in the crawlspace, under rocks in the yard and even under the siding. I've become adept at the Raid-based "spritz and smash"-fu school of spider killing.

Posted by: BAW at October 31, 2005 7:35 AM

Your so funny, thanks for the laugh! Yuck spiders...I just had my house exterminated!

Posted by: angela at October 31, 2005 1:34 PM

First: I love this blog.
Second: This last week, several br spiders have waged war agains my family. By "war," I mean that they crawl cheekily across my ceiling and pay no mind to their drowning compatriots in the toilet below ... I've even tried bug bombs. But enter they still do. So I'm hoping they keep sticking to the ceiling and praying that the first hard freeze kills them REALLY DEAD. Good luck with your battle. Let us know how it turns out.

Posted by: Dawn at November 2, 2005 6:59 PM