August 03, 2005
You want some of this?
Sorry, been away again, on another top secret mission. Of course you know I'm kidding about the mission part, because nobody who kills people for a living would actually joke about it on his website, even though joking would be the perfect cover. Joke about killing people, blabbity blah about your kids, and nobody would ever suspect a thing...
Where was I? Oh yeah, the sorry part. Sorry.
Now, for a few recent irritations, because I'm in one of those moods, because I've had to give up coffee, because, minor detail, lately it makes me feel miserable.
First, a helpful email from American Airlines, notifying me that my flight scheduled to leave at 4:20 would actually be leaving at 5:30. Time email was sent: 5:03. What was intended to be a notification instead became mockery, as is much news in a highly connected world. This was followed by a string of emails telling me the flight would be later and still later, each notification coming within minutes of the newly scheduled time. So not only did I listen to the harried American employee periodically explain why the delays were NOT HIS FAULT, I got taunted by my own bloody blackberry. This is why it is very important that we discover how to teleport people, though I'm sure if the airlines are in charge they will find a way to get me to my destination both late and missing important body parts.
Second, flip flops. Let me be more precise, because the wife has a few pairs with frilly decorations that make her feet look as if they are sexy little exotic Las Vegas dancers. I have no inherent problem with the flip flop. What I have a problem with are men who cram their nasty, cheese-ridden toes into flip flops so that we can all see what an advanced case of gangrene of the toe looks like. I also have a problem with flip flops that look as if they have been worn while cleaning bathrooms in a Calcutta whorehouse.
Look, we all appreciate that you are young, and that you live the exciting parts of your life after 11pm, and that trudging to work at 8 a.m. is really a Tremendous Burden. But none of these are an excuse to go slippy-slapping about with your feet adorned in mold-ridden tire shavings. Have some self-respect, for God's sake, or is that too much to freaking ask.
Did I mention that I'm on the coffee wagon? Or off it. Whatever. I need caffeine and I can't have it.
Finally, I saw this sign in the cafeteria in my building: "Satisfaction Guarantee: If you aren't 100% satisfied, please speak to a manager." So let me get this straight: if I'm not 100 percent satisfied, then the "guarantee" is that I can speak to a manager? Who needs a guarantee for that? If I really want to talk to the manager, I can jump up on a table and pee in the wax geraniums. Now that's guaranteed to draw a manager.
So I'm thinking -- Sand in the Gears is a business, except that you get more satisfaction here than from your phone company, and you don't pay me (well, most of you don't). So starting today I'm offering the Sand in the Gears 100 Percent Satisfaction Guarantee. If you aren't 100 percent satisfied with what you find here, you can kiss my . . . shove it up . . . speak to Management.
Have a nice day.
Or don't. See if I care.
Posted by Woodlief on August 03, 2005 at 08:46 AM
Hey Tony,
Guess I'll stir the pot; add some fuel to the fire...did you see the NCAA Champion women's swim team at the White House meeting the big guy? Many were wearing flip-flops!! (Maybe they were Kerry supporters!). What other summer-time attire bugs you? How about women in tank tops with unshaven pits? No excuse unless they're from France...
Don't know how you manage without the caffeine (I'll pray for you!)but in the evening have a decaf with a shot of Drambuie; takes the edge off!
Posted by: Tom at August 3, 2005 9:54 AM
Heh.
Tell us how you *really* feel, already - come on, don't hold back or anything.
:-)
Posted by: Deoxy at August 3, 2005 10:02 AM
(tiptoes in with forbidden coffee, leaves it on the side table and runs away in fear)
Posted by: MMM at August 3, 2005 10:14 AM
Why talk to the management when you can talk to the press? If you started screaming "A pox on insensitive corporate America!" while urinating in the aforementioned geraniums, you might wind up on the evening news, local edition. :)
Posted by: Christina at August 3, 2005 12:09 PM
I'll go against the grain here and say that while I personally wouldn't show up at the White House in anything but a suit/tie/etc., I'm sure college-aged girls have feet that are much more becoming in flip-flops, and can probably "get away" with wearing sandals. Personally, my toes are ugly and I know it, and despite my wife's insistance that wearing socks in sandals is the fashion equivalent to peeing on plastic geraniums, I wouldn't subject someone to the sight of my toes unless it's at the pool, so it's socks or no sandals.
Posted by: Paul at August 3, 2005 1:02 PM
Worthy of Lileks...which is meant to be praise.
Posted by: Ken Hall at August 3, 2005 4:12 PM
Point 1 -- Apparently one girl on the team invited to the White House explained that her flipflops had rhinestones...Her mother reported being nonetheless mortified.
Point 1A -- Fortunately you don't live any further south. In Texas flip-flops are "dressed for church." Though thankfully not for old men.
Point 1B -- Soy Chai, from Starbucks or other overpriced barista-bars, has saved the sanity of several coffee-ascetics I know, not to mention fasting Eastern Orthodox :).
Point 2 -- Occasionally I have had occasion for the shortest of chats with the management at Sand..., and it was entirely satisfactory. Furthermore, today, the manager of the restaurant where we spend thousands-per-year on effete ladies' luncheons give me a little orchid from the table arrangement.
There are countries in eastern Europe I've visited where there is no management to speak to. Just the police. (They don't have wax geraniums, either.) And, since I've just heard a Prosperity Sermon on Agape-Love, I'll add: Egad, the management at this address communicates so beautifully I doubt it's possible to imagine what it's like being a subliterate disaffected flip-flopped sign-drafter in food-service for suburban redbrick academic sprawl. Go demand to speak to the management and thank him/her/it for all the work that lets you eat there. And ask about chai.
See? Do I demonstrate that conversation with the management can be overflowing with fun and satisfaction!
Posted by: dilys at August 3, 2005 5:39 PM
Oh Tony, I can empathise and tell you that years ago I went from caffiene to ice cold water to get the brain functioning at terrible hours of the day. No headache unless you count brainfreeze!
I am sorry too. I am sorry I have found such enjoyment in this post. I have been sitting here laughing out loud! I even made my husband listen while I read the post to him.
Your pain is helping your creative juices. Keep it up the good work - word artiste!
Posted by: cooper at August 3, 2005 11:49 PM
um. . . maybe caffeine is not so bad for you after all. . .
Posted by: Jan at August 4, 2005 6:34 PM
I am 100% satisfied so no need to speak to managament, or pee in the wax geraniums either.
Coffee... they'll pry my coffee cup out of my cold, dead fingers. Is that what your doctor told you too? (Keep in mind that Honoré Balzac fueled his entire writing career with coffee he brewed himself, a special super-extra-strong concoction that apparently led him to an early grave.)
Posted by: Andrea Harris at August 6, 2005 1:55 PM
