June 12, 2003
He Lives!
I'm happy to report that I am not dead. Neither am I sick, nor is anyone in my family afflicted with anything, other than me, which of course can be strain enough. A number of you have written to me in recent weeks, to ask if everything is alright, or, to paraphrase some of you, where do I get off shutting down SitG? It's all very touching and flattering, but honestly, dear readers, I thought we agreed to see other people.
I won't blame you. It's hard to let go of me. I promise to do a better job of keeping our relationship alive. I'll shoot for posting something interesting once a week. Good? Hey now, no complaining. Nobody likes a needy reader.
Let's start with the updates. Not only did they move me to Washington, D.C. last year, but they also gave me more work. I think my boss has a goal of giving me additional projects until I fail. My own goal is to continue hiring consultants and bringing colleagues into projects until I have no work left to actually do. This is what is called "moving into management," I think, only I'm doing it guerilla-style. It's a race to the top, or the bottom, or maybe just sideways.
I'm writing a lot. Someone once told me you have to write two bad books before you write a good one, so I'm doing that. Add a poem here, some flash fiction there, and you've got yourself a bona fide unpublished writer. I think many of you will like the book. It's about a young Hungarian girl with a special gift for programming cell phones. Or maybe it's about a Coptic priest's journey from faith to unbelief to rock-and-roll fame. Let me check my notes and get back to you.
Enough about me; let's get to the ones you really care about. The wife is fine. And by fine I mean that with the advent of warm weather she's broken out the capri pants, and girlfriend is looking good. I confess that in some things I'm a really shallow person. So sue me. She knew what she was getting into when we tied the knot.
As for the babies, Eli has finally developed some personality. I was worried he was going to be an accountant. He's walking, and his newest words are "that," "holy holy holy" (it's all one word to him), and "poop." I'm proud to report that he has my dancing ability, which means that when you play music for him he starts bouncing his head to the side like the guys in "Night at the Roxbury." He keeps one leg stiff while bouncing around with the other, so that he moves in a circle, bobbing his head and clapping way out of time until he falls down from dizziness. No Danny Tario this kid, but that's probably more damning for Danny Tario than for Eli.
Caleb now has the vocabulary of a typical sixteen year-old, minus the cursing and ridiculous slang. He does get a little street lingo from me ("Dad's hookin' me up with some crackers! I'm down wit dat!"), but the wife has informed me that she will remove something from my body while I sleep if I don't cut it out. She has no appreciation for a bilingual household.
Caleb has also begun to manifest the literal mind. Add this to the fact that he is a man in training, and you get exchanges like this:
Wife: "Caleb, where is Eli?"
Caleb: "Somewhere."
Wife (with exasperated tone): "Well what is he doing?"
Caleb: "Something."
Women, you have to understand -- we are hard-wired this way. Just like you want to tell us what kind of shoes the bank robber was wearing, we are compelled to boil all answers down to one word. Don't judge us for it; accept us for what we are.
We are still looking for a church. You'd think it wouldn't be that hard to find an evangelical Bible-oriented conservative PCA-affiliated Presbyterian church with predominantly home-schooled families within fifteen minutes of one's house, but it really is. There's one we've been attending that has a lot of good qualities, but it is cursed with an affliction that is sweeping through predominantly white Protestant churches across America.
I'm talking about Christian karaoke. Now, people don't call it that, but that's what it is. A soundtrack, devoid of the lyrics, which is played so that a white woman with one-quarter of the talent can pretend for five minutes that she is Nicole C. Mullen.
Listen, people, if we are going to spring for music, what say we pitch in a few extra bucks and get the lyrics too? Instead of forcing 99% of the congregation to sit and listen to somebody sing a song that, let's face it, she was just not made to sing, why not just ask her to take a seat so that 100% of the congregation can listen to the song as it was meant to be sung?
Because that would be silly, of course, to gather together in the name of God to sit and listen to a tape recorder. But how far removed from silly is it to sit and listen to a recording that doesn't even have the words? I think you get my point. This abomination must end. Had it existed in 1517, Martin Luther would have had another thesis to nail on the door in Wittenberg.
I think we don't always make God cry; sometimes we must give him a good belly laugh. And maybe some wincing, especially during the high notes.
Posted by Woodlief on June 12, 2003 at 08:39 AM
Bwaahahaa!!
Oh my, Christian Karaoke. Yep. Same thing happens at the churches I attend. I always wonder the same things:
Why is the music on tapes? CDs are practically free and sound better.
There's no sheet music for this? Its not like the idea of the church pianist accompanying the singer is a radical idea.
We have a choir who practices and you can sing a solo if you're good enough. Since when did church become a second rate talent show?
Haha! Yes, its a bit distracting.
Funny stuff though.
Posted by: Patrick at June 12, 2003 10:50 AM
Glad to have you back, my friend.
Once a week should be enough of a fix to keep me functioning and sane.
Posted by: Dean Esmay at June 12, 2003 11:07 AM
I'm glad to see you still here. You've been missed.
And I'm going to take a minute and be thankful I have no karaoke at my church. Instead, we have a band, and the Paster himself plays guitar.
If only you lived in Florida.
Posted by: Annessa at June 12, 2003 11:09 AM
We solve the karaoke problem by not having instrumental music with our singing at all. No recordings, no live piano, guitar, anything. Just unaccompanied congregational singing. Now that's amazing when you have a large congregation, all singing, and most on key. But it can have it's own... challenges... when, for instance, the song leader wouldn't know a key if it wrapped itself around his vocal chords, or when various members of the congregation go freelance. I wouldn't count myself amongst those, btw, even if I am the only one singing high tenor. :D
Posted by: susanna at June 12, 2003 11:44 AM
He just asks us to make a joyful noise.
There's a church for you out there. I sometimes don't like some of the musical "stuff" going on at my current place of worship, but it's only part of the package. If you can find the place where the Spirit moves you, the rest should fall into place. I'm down wit dat!
Posted by: MarcV at June 12, 2003 12:16 PM
It's good to have you back Tony. Be patient. There most certainly is a church around where you can be touched by God and live and grow and laugh and cry with other people in need of grace.
Posted by: Tim Plett at June 12, 2003 4:59 PM
Great post. Thank you. ( I can only read so much Dostoevsky and Miller, you know.) Once a week is OK with me. Our church has a band, too. I must confess, the band is the main reason I attend the church. The Pastor is very good at his work, but I cannot help but compare him to a Pastor I once heard in Kansas. I can't wait to read your book !!!!!!
Posted by: Llana at June 12, 2003 5:06 PM
"Caleb has also begun to manifest the literal mind. Add this to the fact that he is a man in training"
See, you just need to focus on the "man in training part". Its all in how you ask the question. For example, I ask my boy "Hmmm. I wonder if your brother is doing something dangerous?" He will drop everything and go find out immediately. I'm not sure if its because they like the hunting-part or there's the possibility that someone has found something truly exciting or he wants to rescue someone.
Posted by: Allison Gentry at June 13, 2003 7:50 AM
Glad to see you're still around. I thought I'd missed your big farewell party.
Happy Father's Day, Tony!
Posted by: Da Goddess at June 15, 2003 1:30 PM
I can't believe after knowing you for I don't even want to count the # of years ~ you have commented on Lee's, (my husband) biggest pet peeve, even as a pastor. I can't wait to have him read your post. I almost called him at work to tell him, but this would fall into the catagory of an interuption so early in the work day especially right after returning from vacation.
Lee actually does the music right now, we have a band and now that he's in charge we have little to no christian karaoke. He has gotten a little rockin' lately, but it keeps the older folks awake.
As far as the street lingo...well I need to be as tough as "the wife" because when we found out our 4th baby was going to be another boy(already had 2 boys) Lee wanted to name him Nathanael, we would call him Nate(sounded so cute with Noah), but lee would call him "Nate dawg". Needless to say I vetoed this but after 23mos. I have lost this battle with Daddy and the 8yr. old big brother constantly calling my precious last baby, "Nate dog". Little Nate is already a sports fanatic, loving anything having to do with balls, his first compound word was "wulfpac".
Tony it is so good to think of you looking for a church. It is so hard finding a church when you have left such a special one behind.
Much love and good memories,
Angela
Posted by: Angela Thompson at June 18, 2003 10:04 AM
Hey great to read you again, I was in withdrawal! Try the PCA's website for a listing of local churches in the DC area.
Posted by: Jason at June 18, 2003 2:24 PM
You could try 4th Presbyterian. It has its benefits as well as drawbacks, but there is no karaoke.
A number of homeschoolers attend. Also a good place for special needs kids.
Posted by: randy at June 19, 2003 12:56 PM
"Christian karaoke"
ha ha ha ha.
I thought I was the only one put off by that. It's not the singing I mind so much, it's the canned accompaniment - invariably at the church I belong to, it means swooping strings and celeste pinging and all that, stuff designed to tug on your heartstrings.
I prefer things without such trappings. Give me a good pipe organ and a congregation singing "A Mighty Fortress" or some equally time-tested hymn any day.
Posted by: ricki at June 27, 2003 11:14 AM
Karaoke is simply a modern variation of the old Chinese water torture where one of the victims is the torturer. Can't stand the stuff and won't go near a restaurant that features it. Glad we don't have it at our church.
I do happen to visit a Methodist church nearby sometimes where my little daughter is a member of the childrens choir. I sit through their mass whenever she needs to be there. They have an adult choir and my next door neigbor is the "sound man". They have singers, but no musicians. He sits through the mass with a set of headphones on. Very strange.
Regarding the children, my kids are always coming in to the room I am sitting in and asking me where so-and-so is. So I get to tell them "not in here"! After all, if the person they want is not in the room with me, then how should I know? Even the 12 year old hasn't figured out yet that I cannot see through walls.
Posted by: Carl Keller at July 7, 2003 3:33 PM
