Wonderful post, as usual (and the memo below is even better - see my post there).

Unfortunately, many such rule books have been written. I say unfortunately because most of the are stupid - in fact, the dumber they are, the more likely they are to be a best seller. I suspect that somewhere near the bottom of the list in terms of popularity there are actually a few that are what they should be, but stupid ones crowd them out.

Sigh. Ahh, the stupidity of humanity...

Tony,
I think it would be safe to say you have issues.
That being said, I pretty much agree with you 100%.
Sheldon? Serpentine? Was that a reference from that old Peter Falk film? (what was it called, the In-Laws?)

I left a 41 mile commute (each way) that included 40 minutes on the Tee (Boston) 11 years ago.

During a visit 'home' we decided to visit the New England Aquarium and I thought it would be a good idea to take the kids (that they would find it fun!) into Boston on the Redline. Three minutes after the doors closed and we were on our way, all the old familiar commuter stress symptoms reappeared. The twisted stomach, the impatience for the ride to end, claustrophobia (we were not traveling during rush hour), etc. While the kids did like the Tee, I thought the ride would never end.

It's amazing what the body remembers when the brain forgets.

You've left out my favorite - the people who stop walking and look around immediately after stepping off the top of a crowded escalator. Where the *?* are the people behind you supposed to GO?!?

Okay, three things.

1) I think someone needs a hug.

2) On average, half the people you meet are dumber than average.

3) Elevators - Please let me off, before you decide to get on.

You forgot the "walking four abreast" in the middle of the traffic/walking/bicycle lane.

And don't forget the people who ever so slightly push forward on the platform when the train is coming, almost sending you into the path of the train. The Metro: convenient; the people: intolerable.

No fair, making me crack up out loud at work. Here are a couple more favorites I used to run across while commuting to Manhattan every day: the schmuck who thinks his briefcase/coat/feet need their own seat on the train; the homeless/obnoxious/mentally instable/foul smelling person sprawled out napping on the subway, or having a belligerent conversation with the floor/window/empty space next to them.

It's not just a commute, it's an adventure!

Nice "In-Laws" reference.

I learned something about the rules of life from a taxi driver in Mexico City as we hurtled around the narrowing lanes of a traffic circle at 60 mph when I commented on his being a good driver and asked where were the bad ones. He replied: There aren't any. They didn't make it.

Well...well...well...Mr. Tony - had your fun at my expense have you?

At least you allow for comments, so I can explain myself for clarity. I am not a "honeybee" nor am I "under fire". Calling me names and mocking me does nothing but hurt my feelings.

You see, the reason I weave to and fro is really quite simple. While I may or may not be taking a cellphone call and may or may not be blathering loudly for all the world to hear, one thing is a constant: I am a moron and I probably have to potty.

My side to side swivel has a two-fold purpose. One, I am trying to determine which side of the walkway has a restroom. When one is spotted, I can simply continue in the correct direction. Helped along by my mass and lack of muscle, I flow in the direction of said spotted restroom with the greatest of ease. Two, being a moron, I usually don't succeed in actually spotting a potty. The end result is I usually have britches full 'o goodness by the time I'm in your way.

So gimme a break, man. I'm a moron who craps in his pants.

You can get to LaGuardia via the Metro now? Wow! They really expanded that puppy since I've moved from Silver Spring! ;)

You're forgetting the hordes of idiots who think that as soon as the door opens (this seems to be a real favorite at the Rosslyn stop), any semblance of right-of-way dissapears and those trying to get off can be trampled at will.

But you know what? We're only pissed because we call our mass transit effete crap like "the Metro" and expect effete Euro-type crap from the riders. It's the damned Subway. Never had problems like this in Mahhattan.

Mr. Woodlief,

Two observations.

First, it might behoove you to organize your life a little better, so that you don't need repeatedly to turn making a train into an athletic event.

Second, there are many effective laxatives on the market. Try one. Or two. Preferably simultaneously.

Tony-

I'm still waiting for another piece of work similar to the infamous 'SC Letter'(with one exception...you've got to select a different target). I want to laugh with the crowd this time.

SWL

AAAARGHH! Why I no longer take metro after 9 years of suffering. But here's my favorite. Standing in the farecard line in the morning behind X number of people. Inevitably, a woman (yes, always a woman) who has been in line for minutes at least, gets up to the farecard machine AND THEN starts rummaging in her purse for money! I had to get a car lest I become a serial murderer. And don't get me started on the tourists at rush hour who think it's cute for the precious spawn to play with the card machines while the rest of us are worried about making our bus connections.