So I'm standing in the grocery store checkout line, trying to soothe my screaming infant, when an old woman walks up and says loudly, "Are you pinching that baby?"

For those of you who don't have children, people older than 60 believe this is a clever thing to say when they see parents with fussy babies. I always vow to remember it should I ever get the opportunity to vote for reductions in Social Security, under the theory that hungry old people wouldn't be nearly so flippant.

Until that blessed day of recompense arrives, I've constructed some alternative responses for you parents who find yourselves beset by your local Wal-Mart's version of Don Rickles:

Are you pinching that baby?

"That's the only way to see if they're fresh."
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"No, I don't know what . . . Oh My God! His finger came off!! Somebody help me!! Dear God, somebody help me!!!!"

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"I only did it once. Please, please don't call Social Services. They already took my other baby. Please, just give me one more chance!"

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"Baby pinching? What are you, some kind of sicko pervert?!? Back off, Grandma! Security! Somebody call security!"

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"He started it."