Wife: "Have you noticed that there are a lot of fat people here tonight?"

Me: "We're at a buffet. In Kansas. And it's steak night."

(Later)

Me: (as I come back to the table) "Some really big fat guy just cut in front of me."

Wife: "You'll have to be more specific if you want me to get a look at him."

Me: "He got two big pieces of steak, and two sausages. He'll probably keel over before he's done with dinner."

Wife: "I'd say that's true of several people in here."

Me: "That's what I'm hoping. There's only a few pieces of cherry pie left."

(Still later. Note: my son is recently potty-trained, but still finds #2, if you will, to be distinctly unpleasant)

Me: "Do you need to go potty?"

Son: (as he stuffs macaroni into his mouth): "No."

Me: "You're tugging at your pants like you need to go potty. Do you need to go potty?"

Son: "Nope."

Me: "You know, you have to go poo-poo sooner or later."

Son: "Later."

(Still later. A woman stops about two feet from where I sit, looking in my direction)

Woman: "Hey, good-looking!"

Me: "Huh?"

Woman: "Oh, not you, him." (She points to some guy sitting near me.)

(I resume eating my black-eyed peas, in bitter silence)

Wife: "Hey, good-looking."

Me: "Thank you."